My Story.

I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I returned home almost 2 years ago.  I felt very moved to serve a mission and that it was exactly what God wanted me to do for my life. And I still believe that. My mission has changed me and I will forever be grateful for it. 

There were so many eye-opening things that I experienced as a missionary. I was opened to a whole new culture I had never before experienced. I met people who were so good, so humble, loyal, and just amazing. There are days I'll have memories just pop up out of nowhere from my mission. Some that leave me just longing to be back there again. But it's taken me sometime to even have that longing to go back.

I loved my mission but there were some very hard and dark moments. When I first returned home from my mission I was exhausted mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I remember people asking me how my mission was and I would smile and say, "The best!",  knowing in my heart that that was not how I honestly felt about it. But missions are supposed to be "the best" right?  

My mission president was one of the most loving and kind men you will ever meet. He took time out of his stressful, busy days as a mission president to make sure each of us felt loved and cared for. It is through him that I really came to understand the love that our Savior, Jesus Christ, has for us. I am not even lying to you when I say that every interview I had with President ended in me crying. Sometimes I would just sit there and cry and he just sat there and let me cry. 

Being a sister missionary is so much different from being an Elder.  My mission president said that Sisters stress about the one thing there not doing and overlook the ninety nine things they are doing while elders seemed to focus on the one thing they were doing and overlook the ninety nine things they weren't doing. And I think it is so true. Us woman are so hard on ourselves. We think we have to be perfect!! There were many things that contributed to this perfectionism. For some reason I felt that because I was a representative of Jesus Christ I had to be perfect. I had to do everything right and if I messed up I was a horrible missionary. Exact Obedience was pushed a lot and I internalized that. The funny thing is that I was literally contradicting everything that I was teaching everyday.

At the heart of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is this idea that we are not perfect and are not expected to be perfect. But rather that we are imperfect beings prone to make mistakes. Because of this he atoned for our sins. He died so I could repent when I made a mistake. He died for the thing that I was denying myself of. Grace. I was not giving myself grace. The chance to mess up and to repent of that mistake and realize that my worth had not diminished because of my imperfection. 

People, I was teaching this everyday but was not living it!! Perfectionism is not from God. Shame is not from God. These things do not aid in progress they hinder it. 

When I got home from my mission I suffered from anxiety and depression. I felt that because I was an RM I needed to be perfect. I needed to be perfect at praying and reading my Scriptures. That I should know every scripture in the book of mormon and I should always be the first one to answer a question in Sunday school. It affected me in every aspect of my life. I couldn't go on dates without getting super bad anxiety because I was scared that they would figure out I wasn't perfect and that I wasn't reading my scriptures everyday. hahaha.

I can look back now and laugh out how ridiculous those thoughts were but they were real. I would like to say that I am in a much better place now. I still struggle with perfectionism at times but I'm progressing and that is what matters most. 

For awhile I thought that this was something that only I struggled with but after talking to sisters in my mission and return sister missionaries I discovered that I was not alone. Knowing that I was not alone helped me a lot and I began to tell my story more and more and not be afraid of it. I think when we tell out stories it helps others to feel that they in turn are not alone and we can find connection and strength in doing so. 

Which brings me to the purpose for this blog. I have felt that I need to do more with my story...I want to use it to help future and current sister missionaries. I want them to know they are not alone. Which is where you come in...if you are a return sister missionary I would love to hear your story. And you know not all stories have to be sad. If there were times on your mission where you felt completely alone in what you were dealing with or if there is just something you wish you had known while on the mission I would love to hear. 

I know that our Savior, Jesus Christ, is very aware of our struggles. He doesn't want us to feel alone. I know that He can offer us love strength and I know that sometimes he offers that through the words and hearts of his servants. You. He stills needs you and these sisters need your stories. 

If you are okay with me sharing your story feel free send me your story at:

jillianinnesbooking@gmail.com. If you have any questions regarding how your story will be shared please do not hesitate to ask. And if you would not like to have you story shared you are still welcome to share your story with just me because sometimes it feels good to be heard even if its just one person who hears.

I may not know you but know that I love you!

xoxo

Jill